Responding to student distress

Listening without judgement and without rushing to fix problems will give the student space to give you information that may be essential in deciding how best to help. It will help them to say what they want to say, build confidence and trust in you as a helper, and they will feel better as a result of being heard.

Rules of active listening:

• Do not speak or interrupt – Look like you are listening. Look directly at the speaker and use eye contact, nods, and gestures to show you are listening. Refrain from fidgeting and multi-tasking. Pay attention to the student very carefully.

• Refrain from passing judgement –Just hear what the student is telling you.

• Ask ‘open’ questions to help them speak – An open question cannot be answered ‘yes’, ‘no’, or with a one word answer. A closed question can.

Reflecting involves saying back the exact last few words, it will encourage students to expand, and they will know you are paying attention and they are being heard.

Student “I’m really confused”… Academic “really confused?”

Student “I’m going to fail”… Academic “Gonna fail”

Student: “… so I had finished with John. It wasn’t working and he was always so into his gaming – but was worried that, you know I might be pregnant and then he wasn't really interested. I saw on Facebook he was seeing some girl from Cardiff but I was you know, really… Anyway I was too worried to tell my mum and then when I heard he’d quit Uni, well I just feel so desperate and confused. What shall I do?”

Academic: “You don’t know what to do…?”

Summarising the main thrust of what a student has said allows them to hear their thought processes, lets them know you have listened, heard and understood what they’ve said.

Academic: “So you had finished your relationship with John but unsure if you were pregnant. He had moved on seeing someone else and you were worried about telling your parents about your worries. Now you’re desperate and confused?”

Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviours as understandable and real to them.

Validation is first to accept someone's feelings, emotions or behaviour as appropriate for them – and then to understand them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person and their view – what they have been going through – whatever your own view might be!

“I can see why you felt that way”

“I think it’s normal to have wanted that to happen”.

“Sure – I understand that from your perspective – yes”.

“Maybe anyone in your position might have wanted that”.

“I’m not at all surprised”.

Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, judge or minimise i.e. “you shouldn’t be angry” “It’s not that bad”.

People see their situations in very fixed ways sometimes – from very rigid perspectives, especially if they are in distress or angry. There is usually more than one way of looking at things and our immediate interpretation can significantly impact our experience of it.

As tutor you have the advantage of having an open, unbiased perspective, and may be able to offer an alternative way of looking at the facts that are presented, and coming at things another way. This can help the student start to think about alternative understandings and often provides a positive future focus.

Often the best solutions, are those that individuals have (or believe they have) identified themselves. It can be challenging when you have an answer for students, or a practical solution in mind to refrain from giving advise but allowing students to discover their owns solutions often results in increased motivation to succeed, improved self-esteem and self-efficacy, and general benefits to problem solving skills.

“What solutions are available to you?”

“What have you thought about doing so far?”

“What have you tried to date?”

“I wonder what else you could try”?

“Can you think of a time when you were successful? What skills did you use?"

• When listening to your student, ask for clarification if you are not sure. “So what do you mean when you say…?”

• Do not rehearse what you are going to say back – keep listening. Do not make up counter-arguments that you’ll say when they stop talking.

• Do not try to fix their issue immediately or over-promise what you can deliver. Some things cannot be fixed.

• Do not promise ‘complete confidentiality’ as you will need to share information of you believe they are at risk.

• Do not compare their situation with others (as this will feel like you are minimising their problem – and they will withdraw).

• Don’t offer empty platitudes (“Don’t worry it will be fine”).

• Remember; nodding and clarifying, summarising and reflecting does not mean you necessarily agree, only that you are hearing them.

• How are you feeling?

• How are you looking after yourself right now? [Eating, sleeping, substances, aggression]

• What do you think you might do?

• Are you suicidal?

• How bad has it become?

• What support do you have?

• What are you doing to cope?

• What else do you do that you’re worried about?

• Do you hurt yourself in any way?

• What is the worst case scenario for you?

• Use ‘I’ statements when feeding back “I am worried that…”.

In any circumstances where you have concerns about a student’s safety or the wellbeing of a child or vulnerable adult, it is essential to refer immediately to student services and receive confirmation that they have received your information.

Your university has a wellbeing and student services team and there is access to appropriate information on the intranet and also the internet generally. Use any appropriate resource to help your student to the best of your ability and seek support yourself if needs be. Visit the Supporting and signposting tutees pages on this site to find out more about the services that are available across the University.